


The Good Stuff

by lokilickedme



Category: Chris Hemsworth - Fandom, Loki - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies), Thorki - Fandom, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Asgard, Asgardian Loki, Crack, Dirty Talk, Drunk!Loki, Drunken sex, Drunkenness, Dubious Consent, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki Has Issues, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Panty Raid, Public Sex, Thor Is Not Stupid, Voyeurism, attempted gay shaming, brotherly bonding over booze, drunk!Thor, failed gay shaming, game of dares, guy nonsense, hangovers, inebriated fondling, longsuffering Mama Frigga, okay maybe a little, rapidly escalating ridiculousness, the older ladies love Loki, the palace servants don't get paid enough for this, theft of underwear, two brothers acting like fools
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-04-04
Packaged: 2018-03-21 02:34:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3674250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokilickedme/pseuds/lokilickedme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki makes a drunken bet that he can teleport himself into six locations of Thor's choosing, without getting caught.  Smut, panty raids, and general drunken nonsense ensues until Mama Frigga crashes the party.  As Loki is fond of saying, "It was just a bit of fun."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Good Stuff

**Author's Note:**

> A bit of crack fic I wrote just for fun, because I LOVE writing dialogue and these two just BEG to be written this way.

 

 

 

"Mother keeps booze hidden under her bed."

"She does?"

Loki smirked at his brother. "Do you mean I'm the only one who's known this all these centuries?" He gave Thor a sideways look. "How do you think she's put up with Father for so long?"

Thor looked confused. "Mother is a lush?"

"Wouldn't _you_ be?"

"Well, I suppose if I were married to a one-eyed man who built the world out of a giant's corpse - "

"You don't have to answer everything I ask, Thor. Some questions are meant to just..." he flittered his fingers in the air, " _hang_ there."

"Why?"

"So you can think about them." He rolled his eyes. "Never mind, come with me."

Loki led the way through the winding narrow corridor until he found a little door; kicking it open, they emerged into Frigga's chambers. He stuck his head in to make sure no servants were about, then headed for the big canopied bed.

"How did you know that was there?" Thor asked, looking back at the little door they'd just come through. From inside the chambers, it looked like part of the wall decoration. Loki ignored him.

"Sometimes she keeps the _really_ good stuff tucked under her pillow." He fished his arm up under the big pile of plush accoutrements and came out with an amber bottle, a big grin spreading across his face.

"Midgardian whiskey? Where did she get that?"

"Who cares? Our mother has good taste in hooch."

He threw the bottle to Thor, who opened it and took a swig. "Nice," he hissed through clenched teeth.

Loki took the bottle back and wiped the mouth on his tunic. "You're a heathen. Didn't your nanny ever teach you to use a glass?" He got down on his stomach to reach under the bed and pulled out a long flat chest that made clinking sounds as he moved it.

"The _true_ treasure of Asgard," he announced with reverence as he opened the lid.

"Holy shit mother has her own portable pub!"

Loki grinned. "I told you."

 

Halfway through the whiskey, Thor turned to his brother and clapped him on the shoulder. Loki fell over, clocking his head against the armoire with a thud. "This was a good idea, little brother. I haven't shared a bottle with you since...since..." His face clouded over with confusion when he realized they hadn't gotten drunk together in at least a century. "Why do we not drink together more often? You are good company...and you know where the good stuff is."

Loki grimaced, rubbing his forehead. "I don't drink with you because five swallows in you start knocking me around." He moved away from the armoire's sharp edges.

"Five swallows," Thor repeated. "That's how many it takes to - "

"DON'T SAY IT," Loki cut him off. "This is the other reason. You're a perverted drunk."

"I am not."

"Yes you are. Remember the time we convinced Hogan to brew that rum, the stuff that's got bilgesnipe venom and has the little pissant grub floating in the bottom?"

Thor made a face. "I remember."

"Do you also remember waving your manly bits in front of his old auntie?"

"Umm....no..."

"Oh? Then how about when you drank all the mead from the supply tent during the battle at Faaken Hill and you rode out in front of the cavalry wearing nothing but your cape while intentionally mispronouncing Faaken during your rally speech?"

"I don't remember that either."

"No? Okay, well you're bound to remember this. I distinctly recall you once chasing Fandral through the gardens during one of Mother's afternoon lady parties with Mjolnir stuffed down the front of your pants, yelling - "

"Okay yes I do remember that - your point?"

Loki grabbed the bottle from his hand. "My point being that you're a reprehensible degenerate once you've got a bit of booze in you, and I'm embarrassed to be your brother."

Thor reached out and ruffled Loki's hair. "Ahh, you love me little brother, you know you do."

"I do not." Loki moved out of Thor's reach, knowing the affectionate ruffle would soon devolve into horseplay rougher than he was willing to participate in. "You are crass and rude and a complete and utter unsophisticated thug."

"And you're gay."

"What?"

Thor leaned forward, grinning, pointing a big finger at Loki's chest. "I said you're gay."

"What does _that_ mean?"

"It's a Midgardian term. It means you fuck men."

"I do not!"

"Oh yes you do."

"I most certainly don't!"

Thor was nodding vehemently. "What about all those times you've changed yourself into a woman? Are you going to try to tell me you didn't sleep with any men while you had a cunt? Because I'm not going to believe you."

Loki had a confused look on his face. "But that's different. I was female. A female having sex with a man isn't gay."

"But you remember it now that you're male again, right?"

"Well...yes...but that still doesn't make it - "

"And you would do it again, right?"

"Well yes, of course, why wouldn't - "

"HA!!" Thor snatched the bottle back and took another long swig. "Told you. Gay."

Loki sighed, exasperated. "There's no reasoning with you, which is reason number three why I don't drink with you."

"Prove it then."

"Prove what?"

"Prove that you like women."

"I like women."

"That's not proof."

"How am I meant to prove it? I'm not going to have sex with one in front of you."

Thor hefted himself up off the floor and strode unsteadily to the balcony. Looking around the courtyard below, he spotted a serving girl filling a basin from the fountain. "There."

Loki followed him onto the balcony and looked at where he was pointing.

"What?"

"Disappear yourself down to the courtyard and ravage her."

"Oh Thor, you really are a - what do you mean, disappear myself?"

"Do that _thing_ you do, where you pop off from one spot and appear in another. But stay invisible."

"Absolutely not."

Thor gave him a look. "Because you can't?"

"Of course I can, I just choose not to. This may come as a surprise to you, dear brother, but some men prefer to finesse their conquests into submission, not maul them with brute force."

Thor walked back into the bedroom, chuckling loudly. "Whatever you say, Loki!"

 

Halfway through the second bottle, Loki glanced toward the balcony. "I wonder if she's still out there."

Thor hopped up and ran to the parapet. "You're in luck - there she is."

Loki joined him and looked over into the courtyard.

"That's not her! That woman is older than Mother."

"Come on, don't tell me the great trickster god can't get it up for an older woman."

"Of course I can. The older the wine, the sweeter and more heady the intoxication."

"Then get down there and get heady with her."

Loki looked down at the woman, then fixed his brother with a cold stare. "Is this a challenge?"

"Indeed it is."

"Accepted."

In a flash, Loki vanished. Thor watched as the woman in the courtyard suddenly dropped her basket of herbs, spinning around to see who had grabbed her. When she did, she was unexpectedly bent backwards and lowered to the ground, and Thor saw her skirt fly up. Choking back his laughter, he turned away as the woman's screams of fright quickly melted into loud groans of pleasure that echoed through the stone pillars.

"Okay, not gay."

 

When Loki reappeared on the balcony, Thor raised his bottle to him. "Cheers, little brother. Not a bad bit of work there."

Loki was looking distinctly disheveled as he took the bottle and knocked back a long swig.  "She got in a good left hook," he whined, rubbing his temple.  

"That's what you get, sneaking up on ladies like that."

"Fuck you."

"I thought that was the sort of tendency we were trying to disprove?"

Loki smoothed his hair down and straightened his tunic.  "She was more willing than she should have been.  What sort of women does mother employ, anyway?"

"Apparently the kind that like being diddled in public by ghosts."

"That wasn't a diddle.  That was a full-on ravaging."

"I wouldn't know," Thor teased.  "I couldn't see you."

Loki tugged the front of his breeches out, holding them away from his body.  "Proof."

Thor gave a quick glance down the front of Loki's pants.  "Okay, accepted."  He grinned.  "You're quite hung, for a skinny runt."

"Give me that damn bottle."

 

"Do you ever poof yourself into places just to watch people?"

Loki looked at Thor with an annoyed expression.  "Poof myself?  Really Thor?"

Thor waved a hand drowsily.  "Poof yourself, like *poof*, gone.  You know what I mean."

"Yes, I do."

"Have you ever poofed yourself into my chambers?"

"Of course I have."

"You have?"

"Yes."

"For what purpose?"

"I wanted to see if you really impale yourself on Mjolnir's handle when you're horny like Fandral says."

"You saw that??"

"He sa - wait, what?  No, I - "

Loki looked at Thor with horror.  Thor quickly changed the subject.

"I bet you get caught a lot."

Loki was still staring at him.  He started to move away slowly.  "I _never_ get caught."

"I bet you'll get caught before the night is up."

"What will I be doing that I'll get caught?  And just a minute, this Mjolnir thing - "

"I bet you anything you want to wager that you'll get caught."

"I'm not betting with you and I really want to hear about this - "

"It's a bet!"

 

Another bottle hit the floor.  "Okay, so you poof yourself into - "

"Teleport.  I don't poof."

" - you _teleport_ yourself into the Vault of Ancient Treasures and bring back that thing we stole from the Valyans..."

"That thing we stole from the Valyans will melt my face off if I look at it and I'm not keen on being obliterated by the Destroyer."

Thor grinned.  "I win then."

"No you do not!  I didn't say I won't do it...but I'm going to need your cape."

"What for?"

"To wrap around the Valyan thing so it doesn't melt my face off.  In case you hadn't noticed, it's all I've really got going for me."

Thor thought about this for a moment.  Then he stood and removed his crimson cape, tossing it over Loki's head.  "Bring it back undamaged or I'll kill you."

"Such a loving brother."

Loki vanished.

Loki reappeared, carrying a bundle carefully wrapped in his own emerald cloak.  Thor looked confused.

"Where is my cape?"

"Hmm?  Oh, I left it there."

"You WHAT?!"

"Well I had to do something to slow down the Destroyer.  He moves a lot faster since Odin had him tuned up last time."

"What did you do with it?"

"I threw it over his head and ran like fuck."

"They'll think _I_ stole the Valyan thing!"

Loki got a thoughtful look on his face.  "Yes, I suppose they will.  Sucks to be you."

He dropped the Valyan thing at Thor's feet.

"What does it do, anyway?"

The brothers sat staring at the carefully wrapped pilfered artifact, analyzing it.

"Melts people's faces off."

"But doesn't it do anything else?"

"Apparently not."

"Then why did Father want it so badly?  Best I recall, I nearly died getting that thing from Valyaheim and you're telling me all it does is melt people's faces off?  What the hell?"

"I dunno."

They sat in silence for a few moments.

"Lets put it in Father's bed."

"You're joking."

"No I'm not.  Lets put it in his bed, cover it up and put pillows under the sheets so it looks like one of his whores, and see if he shows up tomorrow at the state dinner minus his face."

"What do you mean 'lets put it in his bed' - you mean 'hey Loki, put it in his bed will you?'  And 'one of his whores'??  What the hell, Thor?!"

"Loki loses his innocence halfway through a bottle of Stiffelheim Bitter."

"There is precious little innocence left to be lost.  I've spent 1500 years with you for a brother."

"Come on, do it - it'll count as one of the dares on your bet."

Loki sighed, getting unsteadily to his feet.  The Stiffelheim Bitter had gone straight to his head and he felt dizzy.  

"Okay, but I'm a bit fuzzy - is Odin's bedchamber east or west?"  He stumbled around for a moment, trying to orientate himself.

"East.  I think.  Yes, definitely east."

Loki picked up the Valyan thing and vanished, a bit messily but he managed to get all his parts to come along with him.

A few minutes later he reappeared and promptly fell on his face at the foot of Frigga's bed.

"Done?"

"Done."

"I hope you forgot your cloak, you little shit."

Loki giggled.  "Nope, I have it.  But that didn't look like Father's bedchamber...it looked more like the Pratagastian Senator's room.  There was a goat thing in there."

"No, that was definitely Father's bedroom."

Loki's face took on a greenish pallor.  "I hope I don't remember any of this tomorrow."

 

"That's three down."

"What's next?  Bring it, brother."

Thor thought hard for a moment, then his face broke into a wide grin.

"Poof into Sif's private bath."

"That's no challenge, I don't even need to teleport to do that - I can just knock and she'll let me in."

Thor gave him a sideways look.  "You're still fuckbuddies, after all this time?"

"Of course.  Somebody has to do it."

Thor looked hurt.  "I would do it, why does she choose you over me?"

Loki sneered.  "Because, dear brother, as I mentioned earlier - there is a _huge_ difference between finesse and force.  Dear lady Sif just happens to prefer the former."

Thor looked confused for a moment and Loki knew he was trying to figure out which was former and which was latter.

"Be right back."

Loki poofed out.

Loki poofed back in.

"Ahh man, Thor you asshole!"

Thor was snickering. He'd slid to the floor with the bottle during Loki's absence and was shaking with laughter in anticipation of his brother's return.

"What? I thought you and Sif had a - _special_ \- kind of relationship."

"We did. Do. We might not now, though." Loki slipped to the floor beside him and shuddered. "Did you know Volstagg's dick is the size of one of mother's hairpins?"

Thor choked on his mouthful of bilgesnipe rum. "Really??"

Loki held up his pinky finger.

"Well that explains why he's always first into his armor."

"Did you know he would be in there with her?"

Thor was giggling again.  "Of course.  It's Wednesday.  They spar together in the morning and then disappear to her private showers for a few hours."

Loki looked nauseated again.  Thor clapped him on the back and laughed when he fell forward and hit his face on the bedframe.  "Don't feel bad, little brother - Volstagg has needs just like the next man."

"Yeah, but _I was the next man_."

 

The next dare took Loki into the handmaidens' baths.  He returned with six pairs of underpants and a big smile on his face, along with what appeared to be a red slap mark in the shape of a hand across his left cheek.

"Why is it the older servants are always more willing than the young ones?"

"Because the older ones warn the younger ones about you."

"Why do they do that?"

"Apparently so that they can have you to themselves."

 

They reached the bottom inch of the bilgesnipe rum and dared each other to eat the grub.  

"Oh hell no," Loki declined, pushing the bottle back at Thor.  "I'm risking life and limb on these stupid dares, YOU can eat the damn slug."

Thor accepted the bottle back and tried to focus his eyes on his brother.  Things were looking distinctly wobbly.

"How is it a risk?"

"The drunker I get, the more likely it is that I'll poof myself into a wall or to the bottom of the loch.  If I end up in the void I swear I'll tell Father the Valyan thing was your idea."

"How will you tell him from the void?"

"Shut up."

 

"Get Heimdall's helmet."

"What the fuck, seriously?  He wears that thing to bed, there's no way.  He'll see me coming before I've even poofed and you know he hates me."

"Whose fault is that?"

"Yours."

"Oh, yeah."

Loki thought for a moment.  "For the grub."

Thor opened one eye.  "Deal!"

 

It was a long time before Loki reappeared; so long, in fact, that Thor was beginning to wonder if he should summon a search party to drag the loch.  When he finally reappeared on the balcony he was in a crumpled heap, hunched over something.  Thor approached him cautiously.

"Brother?"

He saw Loki's shoulders shaking, as if he were in the throes of agony or great fear.  

"Loki, are you alright?  What happened?"

Loki raised his head and Thor was relieved to see he was laughing, great choking peals of laughter that shook his whole body.  He pulled one arm from under himself and held aloft Heimdall's golden helm.

"Oh shit you got it!  How did you manage that?!"

Loki was shaking his head, choking out "Wait, wait" as he unfurled his body and got slowly, unsteadily to his feet.  "You gotta see this!"  He reached into the front of his pants and tugged out what appeared to be a chastity belt and a pair of lacy garters.  He threw them onto the bed and then fell across it himself, rolling around laughing.  

Thor looked confused.  "Heimdall had company?"

Loki cackled even louder.  

"Heimdall _WAS_ his company!"

"I don't get it."

Tears were rolling down Loki's cheeks.  "Odin's freaking beard, Thor - I swear to you, Heimdall will never give me shit again so long as he lives!"

Realization was stubbornly refusing to dawn on Thor's thick brain.  He gingerly picked up one of the garters and noticed its unusually large size.

"Heimdall likes big women?"

Loki squealed with unfettered glee.  " _Heimdall IS a big woman!!_ "

 

"So I believe that's six, dear brother - and the grub is going down."

Thor upheld his part of the deal and slugged back the last inch of rum, catching the wriggling grub on his tongue and grimacing as it slipped around in his mouth.

"And no swallowing it whole - you have to chew it!"

He shot Loki a death glare, but obediently chewed the insect before swallowing.  He shuddered and reached for another bottle to wash it down.

Loki was still giggling over Heimdall's secret an hour later when they tossed yet another empty bottle over the railing into the courtyard below.

 

The two brothers were pissing off the balcony when Frigga walked in.

"Look brother - look - look - "

"I don't want to look."

"No really, look. It aims itself."

"Yes, it aims itself directly at my boot. Get off!"

The AllMother glanced around the room, at the empty bottles strewn across the floor and the various articles of pilfered loot scattered everywhere, and then back at her obviously very inebriated sons.

"What's going on here, boys?"

Thor jumped and spun around, still pissing, soaking Loki's tunic as he turned.

"Thor you asshole!"

"Language, Loki."

"Oh hello, Mother."

Frigga stood with her hands on her hips, a stern look set firmly upon her face.

"I've been receiving reports from my handmaids all day about strange happenings in the palace.  You boys wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"  She quirked an eyebrow, letting them know she already knew the answer and that they'd better come clean.

Thor pointed at Loki.  "It was him."

"Thanks a lot, dickhead."

"Language, Loki."

Both boys adopted sheepish expressions as Frigga began picking up underwear, garters, chastity belts, and bits of broken bottle from around her bedroom.  "I guess this explains the stories about randy spirits in the courtyard and horny ghosts in the bathhouses."

"I actually let them see me in the bathhouse," Loki let slip out, slapping his hands over his mouth when he realized what he'd said.

"Uh huh."

Thor smacked him on the back of the head.

Frigga's expression softened into something close to a grin as she eyed the size of the chastity belt on her bed.  "I see you paid Heimdall a visit as well."

Loki choked on his own spit, but held back from saying anything when she shot him a warning look.  Finally she sighed and tossed everything back onto the bed, wiping her hands on her skirt.  "Just see to it that all this gets cleaned up.  By _you_ \- no calling any servants in, they've dealt with enough of your nonsense for one day."

With that she left, turning her face away so that her naughty sons wouldn't see the approving smile upon her lips.

 

The two very hung over princes sat miserably in their assigned seats at the state dinner the next afternoon, Thor holding his head and Loki slumped over trying to keep from throwing up as Odin walked in to address the masses, his face looking distinctly melted.

 

 

 

 


End file.
